When one parent is enough

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Every now and then, I read stories about parents being in such war that they end up taking their kids away from one of the parents. It always makes me so sad to read because if parents break up, it is their finest job to make sure that the children don’t feel the pain or heartache. If a child can have a life including both parents, they should have that right.

Years ago, I went through a child custody case that ruined me in so many ways. I never wanted to take my boy away from his father, nor did I want them not to have a relationship. But, my child was too little to live in two different homes plus he hadn’t slept at his dad’s place for about nine months and rarely saw him and all of a sudden, he had to live there for an entire week?! When my boy started getting sick by the still unknown illness, I fought with every bone in my body to make sure that he had the best life possible. I lost the custody case and my boy had to continue living a week with me and then a week with his dad. You want to know why I lost?

Well the psychologist who had to look into our case and into our lives felt like I was too naïve when it came to my son and his illness. She felt like I couldn’t really accept him being sick and I didn’t want to realize that within six months or so, all my boy would be able to do was to lie in bed, staring into the wall. What parent accept that? Besides, how on earth could she know that? I can now say that almost five years has passed, and my boy is not in his bed staring into the wall. He’s a happy kid filled with love and laughter – oh I can’t even tell you how often I’ve wanted to e-mail that stupid and incompetent psychologist to let her have a piece of my mind.

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I can’t remember how much time passed by after the state administration’s decision, but it wasn’t long after that, that my ex called me to let me know that he couldn’t handle our son a week at a time. It broke my heart, not because my boy now had to live with me and only see his dad every other weekend but I had fought three years for that custody and it just seemed meaningless. Anyways, the weekend came where my boy had to go home to his dad on a Friday. On Saturday around lunchtime, his dad called me to let me know he couldn’t handle our son the entire weekend.

WHAT?

After that day, it all became chaotic and my son didn’t really see his dad.

My ex had a new girlfriend living with him and then he became a dad again, and again… but still didn’t see our boy.

About a year ago, I decided to see if there was somehow they could build a relationship. Not for my win but because I wanted to make sure that my boy had a dad in his life. His dad visited once and to be honest, the visit was not the greatest and my boy didn’t seem that thrilled about it. And after that visit my ex was once again too busy to see our son.

Some months ago, my ex and I had a discussion because the doctors gave us the result of the full DNA test that showed nothing else than a normal result. My ex started texting me all kinds of (sorry) pathetic words about how sad it was, how rough it was and the difficulty of understanding why the doctors couldn’t figure out what our son was/is suffering from. It’s not because I don’t agree; yes, it is extremely rough seeing your child sick but Tobias is actually making some kind of progress (apparently my ex can’t see that but then again, he doesn’t really know our son)… what made me angry about my ex’s texts was the fact that he was complaining how rough it was for him. So I wrote him back that he’s not the one changing our son’s diaper everyday (he’s turning 9 in march next year). He’s not the one helping our son in his clothes every day. He’s not the one trying to fight the systems because they won’t help since our son doesn’t have a diagnosis. He’s not the one taking our son to the hospital when needed. He’s not the one being there 24/7 for a boy who doesn’t sleep that much. He’s not the one being challenged to his core for trying to get through an education.

My ex wrote me back; what can I do? I answered; for starters, try to be there just a bit more often, engage yourself.

We tried it once more; my ex came by for a visit and had his other son with him. My son was actually enjoying it, not because of his dad but the other boy who’s not ill, so Tobias was smiling and laughing. So what happened after that visit? After my ex and I had agreed that we would do this on a regular basis?

NOTHING!

His excuse is now his recent break-up. Plus he texted me that he felt like a failure because now he had three children with two different women and he wasn’t with either of them.

Some say; but Maja, why do you keep trying to rebuild the relationship between your boy and his ‘dad’? Because my mom has a very chaotic relationship with her dad and I’ve seen her struggle with it every now and then. I just want to make sure that I’ve tried everything possible so my son won’t come to me one day, thinking that I didn’t do enough. Maybe it is just too damn difficult to understand how a dad can just decide not seeing his firstborn. It is damn difficult to admit that I had a child with a ‘man’ who can’t be there for our son, a man who neglects others as soon as he’s not getting the attention he’s demanding.

I left my ex back in the day, because he drank too much and he cheated on me. I don’t want to go into details about it, but let’s just say that history has a habit of repeating itself.

Today I’m talking to my ex’s ex, and we actually get along  and we’ve agreed to bring our children together. We don’t care that the dad isn’t there – we want our children to know one another.

Have I accepted the fact that my son actually doesn’t have a father in his life? To be honest; I don’t know if I’ll ever fully accept that but then again, I rather want him not to have a ‘dad’ if that dad only is available whenever he has the time. My boy deserves the world and he deserves a mommy who teaches him the true value of love. So that’s what I will try to do.

Besides, I’ve been alone raising my son for as long as I remember because my ex never really took the time to do so.

To all the single parents out there; I don’t care if you are a dad or a mom but please, think about the wars that you are creating, what’s the outcome? If both of you are loving parents, don’t ruin that. Please be thankful if you’re breaking up and have children, if the other parent still wants to be a part of your child’s life. Don’t ever let your own feelings take over. Embrace it if the other parent still wants to play a part in your child’s life. Too often, we hear about parents starting a war just because they know if they use the kids, they’ll hurt the other parent the worst way possible.

In my case, I tried but didn’t fail. You can’t force anyone to be a parent if they can’t see through their own misery.

I’m a VERY proud mommy and proud of myself for doing everything that I can. It’s about time that I face the music and accept that my son is without a dad. Maybe one fine day, I meet the man of my dreams…

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When worry takes over

I want to start out by saying that I’m absolutely happy for the school/class that my son goes to. Especially the amazing teachers who has such passion for children with special needs; I admire them and I know that they will do everything they can to make sure our children are happy, and they keep fighting for our children’s development. BUT, what really brings me completely down on my knees; when the teachers tell me that Tobias had a rough day with a lot of screaming and crying with tears, that they tried everything they could but he just couldn’t find the same rest as some other days. First, I kind of wish they would just call me so I can pick him up but then again, I know they want to show that they are capable and they need to try because children needs school and to be socialized.

I have tried home-training my son but he needs other children around and also, he needs people around him who are not me… the whining mommy who does everything for him… he needs challenges.

Besides, all children have good and bad days – just like us adults. But when you have a child without any diagnosis (= you have no clue on what the future brings, none of us do, but I don’t know how my son’s illness are going to develop – is it going to be worse or maybe better? I don’t know because I don’t know what illness he has. Then again; I hate comparing people, and would never compare my child to any other child. But, sometimes it would be nice with an idea on what’s going on, that way I would better be able to help my son to whatever needs he has. For now, I’m just trying everything I can).

Even with this in mind, his bad days in school, really puts my brain on work and I start thinking way too much negative thoughts such as:

Is my son getting worse?

Is his screaming/crying part of the unknown illness?

Is there something the doctors overlooked?

Is he sick with something else?

Is he not happy in school?

Etc.

Etc.

Etc…. it really makes me worry and maybe, just maybe he has just one bad day.

Truth is, it has been more often that he comes home and the teachers have written that he had a very ‘loud day.

I know my son has become louder but I think it’s because he’s developing and he’s learning how to say ‘no’ – at least that’s how I see it at home. But as the teachers told me; Tobias needs to have challenge and he needs to learn that there are things we don’t really want to do but have to do. I agree, we all have things we don’t necessarily want to do but we know it’s inevitable.

I guess I just need to accept that I am a worrier – but I truly wish I could learn to relax a little more because it’s not healthy worrying this much – it gives me migraines, tiredness and I’m no good like this.

I talked to my mom about this and she told me something that I really need to remember and I’ve already mentioned it in this blog post; we ALL have bad days… and that does include me. I’m happy that my mom reminded me of this. I have days where nothing can beat me down. Days where I’m blissfully happy and think the future can only be bright. Then I have days like today; I’m overthinking, over-worrying and the future doesn’t seem as bright.

That’s when I blog the most actually. When I’m down, feel defeated I blog because when I write things down, my brain creates a whirlwind of emotions and then it becomes clearer to me. Then I could just stop there and not publish my blog post but I know there are people out there who feels exactly like me and maybe (just maybe) one of them, reads this and know they’re not alone.

Having these ‘negative days’ doesn’t require a child with special needs. No, we all (no matter who or where we are) we have days where we can’t really find our happy place. And that’s perfectly okay, perfectly normal. As long as we can find a way out of that ‘dark thinking’.

When it all coms down to it, it doesn’t matter what the future looks like. The only thing that matters are the present, the right NOW!

It still frustrates me that my son has these ‘tantrums’ in school but I know he is in good hands and the teachers would call me if they really felt it was needed. To be honest, I love the fact that they are not handling things like I would.

Tobias has his long day in school today and will not be home until 8 pm – every Thursday he’s part of this afternoon club along with five other children where the teachers are cooking for them and doing all kinds of fun/cozy stuff. My son loves this club because two of his favorite male teachers are there. Since I’m a single mom and my son doesn’t see his dad, he loves being around men who knows how to play the guitar and also isn’t afraid of goofing around with the children. So I’m grateful for this club being offered to us.

  • Maybe the school will call and ask me to pick up Tobias because he’s crying or something… nah, just kidding – no need to worry about that. Since it’s my day off school, I’m going to practice on my guitar, draw/paint a little, enjoy some coffee and also need to study a little for tomorrow’s classes.

I’m sorry if this blog post is a little confusing… but I’m still tired from Tuesday night, where my son almost didn’t sleep at all – maybe I should add sleep in my little to do list today. Yesterday; was spent at home with my tired boy.

If you’re reading this blog post, feel free to comment what brings you completely down or if you’re just always happy and a non-worrier, please share your secret 😉

XOXO Maja

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Loving 2015 so far…

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To be honest, I was not expecting much from this year but so far, 2015 has been the best year in years…

I’m now a student at the university – studying a bachelor in library science and knowledge communication.

University_of_Southern_Denmark_Kolding_Campus_MS_02(Photo is found on Google – here you can see inside the university)

I’m not yet sure what exactly I’m going to use the education on when I’m completely done since you can actually use it for several different career paths – so let’s see what it brings. It has been extremely difficult and very challenging being a student again after many years off the school market but I think I’m finally in a place where my life is a little more calm and relaxed.

And then, there is my trip to London next week… yes, I still have the fear of flying but it’s not as bad as it was some time ago. It has truly helped seeing a psychologist about my fears. Only, she stated that it is me being an utter control freak and that’s really the true reason behind some of my panics in life. But I’m looking forward to see London again and experiencing it this time with my Bestie. I admit; I’m probably going to miss my boy A LOT but I need this trip and he does too because he’s going to spend time with his grandparents without me being around. So all in all a win win – I just need to allow myself to be Maja without overthinking everything.

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Then in July I’m going to a concert with Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga – so excited for this.

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But the biggest joy of this year (and I know nothing can beat this) is the fact that my son is smiling so much and he’s focused on the people around him and the camera… oh, sweet happiness. I can actually take a picture of Tobias and not only is he smiling; but he’s also looking into the camera. If I switch the camera around, he looks at himself, and smiles. This has to be the biggest accomplishment and the biggest joy of them all. He did this before he got the unknown illness. Still Tobias is without a diagnosis and, of course, it’s quite the battle but I’m still in good spirit and I’ll always keep fighting along with my boy.

IMG_6654People who has been following his journey has come to me and told me that they see the difference. Even customers at our local grocery store has said it and our neighbors… that really means a lot to me and I’m super proud of my SuperBoy.

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So I actually want to give a big shout out to the INCOMPETENT and totally idiotic (Yes, I mean this) psychologist who told me that my boy would end up in bed, only being able to stare into a wall.

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You, dear psychologist, I’ll never forget you and to be honest, I’ve often thought about writing you a long letter but I’m going to wait… I’m going to wait because maybe I’ll just bring my son with me to your office so you can see how he’s doing. You ruined me completely with all of your statements when you had only met Tobias once. You did make me cry… but today I can actually think of you, and I smile. Smiling because my boy proved you wrong!

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So 2015, we’re not done at all but so far, so good. Thank you!

XOXO MajamMsduvs2

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The picture

that melts my heart….

I know most parents love to see pictures of their children but this picture I took the other day of my boy, melts my heart.

Ever since Tobias became sick by the unknown illness, it has been more than difficult snapping a photo of him where he pays attention and now, he looks directly into the camera 🙂 it’s amazing!  

 

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The selfish ‘meeting’….

I wasn’t sure I would write a blog post about this…. But I’m going to since it’s been on my mind a lot since it happened.

My ex (Tobias’ dad) has a sister with two kids and their dad lives in the same apartment complex as me. I haven’t ran into my ex’ sister often and usually, I succeed in avoiding her.

Tobias and I often visit my parents and one of them always drives us home (luxury, I know). The other week, my dad had just parked the car, when I noticed my ex’ sister was sitting in her car, but I avoided looking at her while grabbing my bag in the backseat of the car. Tobias and I said goodbye to my dad and just as I thought we were safe (right before the entrance door) she came running out and shouted after us. I wanted to run inside with my boy, and just ignore her, but how on earth do you do that when the woman is shouting? So, I politely turned around and said hi. My boy didn’t pay her any attention at all and why should/would he? He hasn’t seen her in almost a year and before that, he didn’t see her that often. It’s actually almost a year since Tobias saw his dad and that side of the family.

She dropped to her knees, all dramatically, and kissed my boy and hugged him tightly. Even a fool could see how uncomfortable my son was with this. He obviously didn’t know what to do and he didn’t want her hugging him. See, my boy is the kind of kid you need to create a solid relation to and it will be lost if you don’t see him often. That’s just the way it is.

I was trying to take it with a smile, hoping she would disappear quickly but no, she kept hugging my poor kid; talking about how big he’d become, and that she actually had been wanting to send gifts for Christmas and birthdays but never came around to it.

My fake smile was still on display while I was thinking; “Yeah right… besides, we don’t need any material gifts from any of you.”

Then she asked; “Do you remember to take Tobias to the regular appointments at the hospital?” – In my head I was like; Seriously, you just asked me that? But, my voice politely answered: “Yes, of course and they still have no clue on what’s wrong with him…”

Then she said his teeth was very crooked…. Why criticize? Besides, all children’s teeth look a mess when they are changing… everyone knows that! And so what if he ends up with crooked teeth? Does that really matter? Think whatever you want to, but don’t point out stupid things in front of my boy.

It was embarrassing standing there knowing that she had no idea on what was going on with my boy or how much he has actually developed since he saw his dad the last time. To be honest, I wanted to shout at her, tell her what a complete incompetent family she is from and how lousy I actually think they ALL are. But obviously I didn’t do that – I’m well-mannered *coughs*.

Why am I writing this blog post? It’s actually NOT to criticize my ex’s sister but how selfish can one be? If her and I had shared eye contact she could have waved but to run out of your car like that and hugging a boy who you haven’t seen for a year. A boy who is not like any other child… that’s just selfish and very wrong! It took almost ten minutes before I could get my boy away from her and get inside.

Tobias looked lost and it was obvious to me that he was upset… Not in the upset way he can be if for instance, my mom leaves after having a cup of coffee or something like that. No, this was the same upset boy, I’ve seen whenever I had to leave my son with his dad. The emptiness in his look, was something I hadn’t seen for almost a year. I embraced him and said everything is fine and he smiled a huge, genuine smile to me.

But it did make me think about it. Is it just me thinking it was rude of her? Was she doing the right thing? Maybe I’m just too angry to talk to that side of the family. But then, I discussed it with others, and they all agreed that it was a weird way of reacting of her and that she should just have waved if anything. So maybe another year goes by before we run into (correction; she runs after us while shouting).

Maybe it’s just because I’m a lion mom and if anything/anyone comes near my boy that has hurt him before, I will ROAR!

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The ‘funny’ or tragic part of all of this is, I’ve really tried reaching out to this family but never has it worked so now; go F*** yourselves and know that you are truly missing out on a great boy who is fighting all he can and who is actually doing better and better!

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The needed but NOT wanted test

If you’ve been reading just some of my blog posts, you’d know that I really want a diagnosis for my boy. I don’t want the diagnosis so I can lay back and say; “finally, now I know what’s wrong so now I don’t need to do more…” – NO, I want and need a diagnosis so I can help my son, I can search for the right help. So far, I’ve been fumbling around in the dark only meeting blind ends.

The doctors have tried all kinds of tests without any result and some time ago, they talked about a full DNA test but they paused it but now it’s back on and I’m meeting with the genetics in June, to hear about the test, what information I want back etc. You see, a full DNA test of my boy requires a blood sample from me and the father of my boy as well. The genetics will then look into anything and everything! I hate it and I fear what will come back.

I have no desire to know everything about my DNA, or that there’s a possibility that I can suffer from a dangerous illness later in life. Some would think it’s great to know and some would like to know what kinds of diseases they can prepare themselves for, or what diseases are in your DNA so you might be able to prevent it. Sure, who wouldn’t want to prevent themselves from a fatal disease? We all want that BUT my fear of diseases are high enough as it is. I don’t want to hide it but going through many years of trying to find out what’s wrong with my boy, has somehow turned me into a panic attacked woman who suffers all kinds of diseases. I’ve been seeing my doctor almost more than my family at some point because I was so scared. Luckily, I haven’t been visiting my doctor for some time now, but do I think about going? Yes, many times during a week. My fear of not being here for my boy, overtakes me at times. But this is not about me but that stupid DNA test.

Okay, it’s not stupid because it might reveal the answer I’ve been looking for, for many years.

But it’s not just the possibility of getting answers on fatal diseases that scares me…. What if I’m the reason why my boy is sick? What if my genes are all wrong? It breaks my heart just thinking about it… what if, I can never have more children? It’s not because I’m thinking about adding to the family right now… I’m very much single and have enough on my plate but what if, I meet the man of my dreams and he wants a baby and I then have to tell him that I shouldn’t? Shite, it makes me very sad just thinking about it….

No matter how scared I am, no matter how much I don’t want this test, I’m going to do it… for my boy!

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The answer is… money?

Before you read any further, just know that this blog post is really not me, trying to offend anyone.

Maybe I just need to write this, because I’ve been extremely stressed with exams. My son has been struggling a lot with stomach problems, which means sleep is something we haven’t had a lot of. I just had a water damage that destroyed my kitchen (all fixed now but it was a pain). I feel lonely at times. I know what my dream is, but it’s far, far away. I’m tired of not having a diagnosis for my son. I’m super annoyed that my son’s dad really isn’t asking for Tobias at all (not that I’m surprised but still, it hurts).

Maybe I just need to vent, to rage out, to scream, to ask the world “Where’s the love? Where’s the compassion?”.

Well last year, our local newspaper wrote an article about my son and his unknown illness. I was truly happy when the journalist asked me, if she could bring that article because she wanted to help my son. I’ve received sweet compliments when I met people, who’d read the article. Some people contacted me asking if my son didn’t have RETT syndrome, which he doesn’t. But other than that, nothing has really happened.

Until today… The article was in the newspaper around September last year and this month, the photographer, who took the pictures of my son and me, wrote a little piece about people, who had made the biggest impression in 2014, and he’d picked a photo of my son and me. (I’m so moved and thankful for this!). And the photographer wrote a short summery about my son. It lead to a woman who contacted the newspaper, asking them to give her contact info to me because she thought she could help my son. This is kind and I was very excited but then it hit me; this is going to be something very expensive (as all ‘alternative’ treatments are). But, I called her, because what if she’d read the article and felt a need to help my boy and maybe even for free?

Stupid and naïve me!

I called this woman and she was very sweet. She told about herself, what she did and how she felt compassion for my boy and she really wanted to help him. To put it short; this woman helps people with motor skill problems etc. I listened and we talked really well together. But, and there is a but, there always is… this treatment is, in fact way, too pricey for a single mom who’s studying.

I’m sorry if this sounds ungrateful or mean in any way. But if you read an article and feel like you want to and actually CAN help a child, you even ask someone to give your contact info to the mother but you want a lot of money for it?! I just don’t get it.  If you think you are that good, if you think you can help improving another human being, then show it! Do it for free or at least come with a discount!

When you are a parent, you’ll do anything for your child. There’s not a bridge you won’t cross just to make sure that your child is getting the best in life, that your child knows that your love is endless. If you’re a parent to a ‘special need’ child, you’ll do exactly the same as the above. Only, you’re more desperate! You want to roar to the world for help. If you’re a parent to a ‘special need’ child without a diagnosis, you’ll do exactly the same as above. ONLY, you’re adding endless nights of no sleep because you’re searching the internet for information, hints or doctors who might be able to help. Believe me, I know – I am that parent!

So it’s quite obvious that being a parent to a child who’s suffering from an unknown illness, that you’re willing to pay anything if there’s a little hope that you found the miracle you need.

Oh yes, some might say; but why don’t you just accept your child the way he/she is? I do accept my child, I love my child and I am fucking proud of my boy! BUT, I do NOT accept that we live in a world where everything costs a million! I do NOT love when people try to make money on other people and their despair. I am NOT fucking proud of the system when it fails to help people in need (this applies for all systems who don’t help people who need it – not just my son… I am talking around the globe!).

I get that people (including me) need money. That’s why we work! Yes, I get that.

But why and how do we choose our career path? Do we choose it because that’s where our passion lies? Do we choose it because it’s been the same in the family for generations? Do we simply choose knowing it will give us a lot of money?

Did we pick it because it was where our true passion was and then realized that we can actually make a fortune on it? Can it be combined; money and passion?

It is super easy to make money by helping a desperate parent, I’m being honest about it. Believe me, I’ve spent a lot of money on all kinds of different ‘alternative’ treatments, diets, tests and blah blah blah.

I’m not gonna lie, there is, in fact, people out there, who just want to help. Again, Micheal, I’ll never forget what you tried to do for my son – I just wish we didn’t live that far away because then maybe the result would have been different.

Sadly, it is extremely rare, almost as rare as winning the lottery, that people who claim they can help your child with the unknown illness, that these people help you for free. No, they require a lot of money. I get it, you need your salary as well. Sure you do! But why ask someone to contact you because you want to help, when you want full price?

I want to help my son, I really do! Make no mistake of that! But I am tired… tired of spending way too much money (even my parents spend a lot of money) on alternative treatments. Every time someone says “Oh, I can help your son. It sounds like something I heard before, seen…” and blah blah blah… “and the price is… “and your almost dropping your jaw!

Acceptance… what is that?

Is it accepting my son the way he is? YES, I do accept him the way he is. He’s mine and I’ll love him endlessly.

Is it accepting an unknown illness? Well, I do accept that my son is sick – I can’t really run from that – but I do not accept not knowing what happened. Why did he lose the ability to talk? Why did he lose the ability to eat and drink by himself? Why did he start having stereotypical movements with his hands? Why did he start walking on tip toes? Why did he lose interest in his surroundings and the people in his life? I could go on but it’s just too sad.

To be honest; things are improving. I don’t know why. Is it because my son is surrounded by amazing teachers, who really fight for him and most importantly, they believe in him. Is it because he no longer sees his incompetent dad (yeah, I did write that… sue me!)?

Maybe this blog post doesn’t make any sense at all. Maybe I just needed things off my chest. I don’t know. I was just very frustrated with that phone call today. It made me sad. Not only because I, once again, realized that the world is not full of people burning with passion to help others, but also because I know, I don’t have that kind of money. Every time I hear about a treatment and it sounds like it could, maybe not cure, but improve my son’s condition, I become super excited and then it hits me; this treatment is as expensive as all the others and I can’t afford it. Can we live without this treatment? What if my lack of money is the reason why my son won’t recover?

Enough is enough! I am, in fact, doing all that I can to help my son. I need to tell myself that it is okay. I don’t have to spend that money. My son is improving, slowly but it’s happening.

Well to be honest, of course I was happy to talk to the woman and it is somewhat sweet of her wanting to help… I am sorry, I just can’t afford it.

When you are a parent to a child with special needs, you want to do every possible thing to help improve your child. Not because your child isn’t good enough. Maybe it is because you (I) have no clue on what’s going on in your (my) child’s mind. Is he okay? Is all the movements he’s doing with his body, stressing him? You want to help and support because you want your child to know that he/she is capable of anything!

I tell my son every day that I love him, that I am proud of him. Even if we’ve been at the grocery store and he threw a complete tantrum, I still tell him that I am proud. Some would say; but why compliment for tantrums? Because he walked on his own two feet. Something he wouldn’t do a year ago. You see, your child is capable of anything. YOU (parent) are capable of anything! Trust yourself, your gut and know this; the love you and your child share, it’s free. The smiles and the laughter you share, is free. Sure, a smile doesn’t cure everything but it sure as hell throws away your worries… maybe just for awhile but it still counts.

Acceptance combined with patience… that’s my new ‘live by rule’.

Stay true to yourself, believe in yourself, believe in your child. Most importantly, remember that money cannot buy you everything.

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…Happy New Year…

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If you don’t have time to read this novel of a blog post, then I just want to wish you a very Happy New Year. Thanks for being in my life, even if we’ve never met face to face.

I want to thank all of you, who took time to be there for me… the people who I chat with from time to time… Thanks for being YOU!

If 2014 sucked, then don’t throw it in the trash but put the memories (good and bad) in a box, and put it away… 2014 might not have been your year but you still learned something, even if you feel like you didn’t.

*Cheers*

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Note: Remember not to drink and drive… also be safe when you’re out and about tonight.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

To me, 2014 have been quite the rollercoaster… well, that’s really nothing new but still I can look back at this year and still smile. It weren’t all that bad, to be honest.

I published a new book (in Danish) that’s the very first one in a trilogy and so far, I’m only getting good reviews which makes me so grateful and proud as well.

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I started studying at the university (A bachelor in Library Science and Knowledge Communication). An education I was really looking forward to but, unfortunately 2014 was also the year were Tobias developed epilepsy and it really did take a torn on him and me. Luckily (and I am aware that this is only a symptom treatment but still, it does the trick for us right now) the medication he’s getting is working, and it doesn’t seem like he’s having any side effects. Yes, in the beginning he didn’t sleep at all but the doctors told me it wasn’t because of the medication but anyways, Tobias is now sleeping at night again – only he’s still in my bed, which is about to change. Now I’m more comfortable with him sleeping in his own room again and boy do we need that? YES! He’s loves to cuddle and it’s lovely but really, I don’t sleep enough and he’s taking up so much space even though he’s not so big LOL. I didn’t want him to sleep in his own room when the epilepsy started out and as the mom I am, it took some time before I trusted that he could sleep by himself again. But ‘Operation: get son to sleep in own room again’ starts tomorrow! (It could start today but he’s spending the night with my parents).

2014 was the year I finally got FULL custody over Tobias, which I’m happy for – not because I ever want to take away his dad, or deny who he is…. I’ve really tried getting ‘daddy’ more involved but without luck so I demanded (yes I did that) to get full custody so I could take charge myself and knowing I did what’s best for my son. He’s no longer going home to his dad every other Sunday either. This is sad, and it does create a little more stress for me as I no longer have a certain day where I can just relax… But it’s all worth it when I look at my boy and I see the change in him. He’s much happier now and he doesn’t become apathetic anymore.

This year, we had a water damage in our kitchen, which was really annoying but I did get a new stove and faucet LOL so I’m happy.

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This year is also the year were I really began trusting myself in the kitchen and I can now say that I’m becoming quite the baker LOL something I never wanted to learn, I hated baking but now I’m truly enjoying it.

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It sucks I couldn’t be more present in my class at the university during the first semester; and I do dread the exams in January since I could’ve done a lot better at studying. But life happens and my son is my highest priority – there are some prices when you’re a single mom to a boy who’s challenging you in ways ‘normal’ children wouldn’t.

This year has been amazing to my boy. He started in a new class and gosh, it has changed so much and I’m so happy to report that he’s actually moving forward. He’s loving school, the teachers and the other children. Tobias never really ‘liked’ other children in school but now he seeks their company by himself. I don’t think I can ever thank those teachers enough, they have done so much for my boy. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the other class he was in, but there simply wasn’t enough room or time for my boy and now he’s in a better environment as well. The rooms are spacious and light. I just love it and it makes me relax a little, knowing he’s in safe hands. Plus on Thursdays, Tobias is staying in school until 8 pm! Yes, you read correct. I’ve actually tried to let go a little, throw away the constant control and the feeling of ‘I can do everything by myself’ because I can’t… or can I? LOL 😉

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It’s an offer we have in our community, that children with special needs can stay Tuesdays and Thursdays (I didn’t want both days) and then some teachers are staying with those children, cooking with/for them, watching cartoons, having fun etc. It’s absolutely brilliant and my son is really liking it. Yes, he’s tired when he comes home, but the sparkle in his eyes… oh it’s lovely!

The best lesson, I’ve learned this year (but let’s see if I don’t have to learn it all over again in 2015 LOL but I’m going to try to keep it) is to let go a little. Trusting others to be able to take care of my son.

How did I learn this? Well, I broke down completely, my mind was chaotic but my body wasn’t in a good place either. It sucked but it’s brightening now and I know I need to be me as well, me as in just being Maja. I’ll always be a mommy, no doubt in that and I wouldn’t ever want to change that! But I need to remember myself in order to be the best mommy ever!

2015 is going to be a great year! Why? Because I choose to believe that. Will struggle and obstacles still come and go? Yes, of course, it’s life!

I’m going to finally watch the movie of a lifetime haha – sure, some might not agree but I’m looking forward to see Mr. Grey on the big screen… YAY!

I’m going to London with my Bestie… I know this is going to be a great challenge because I’m still damn afraid of flying and to think I have to be away from my son for 5 days –  not sure how that’s going to play out but let’s try it 😉

My Bestie and I are also going to a concert next summer…. Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett… this is awesome and I can’t wait.

2014 you were not my favorite year but definitely not the worst either! Thanks for teaching me lessons, thanks for letting me know that I have to let go of control every now and then. But most of all; thank you for the development in my son!

I could write a lot more about my year, and probably forgot some important things but I really have to go… need to get ready for tonight and I’m way behind… as always… LOL

 2015, come on I’m ready for you!

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Hugs, kisses and cheers again

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…My love awaits me…

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I am writing this to YOU even though I do not know who you are

…Yet…

I thought, love did not mean anything to me

That it was not for me, something I did not deserve

See, I thought I was broken, broken by someone I trusted

…Very much…

Someone who gave me the greatest gift of them all

My son

Life threw an obstacle on my path

Or a millions

I forgot about my dream, the passion within me

But I am still here, the princess inside me

I still want to meet you

Feel you

Kiss you

Embrace you

I am not broken, I just fell on my way to you

Or are you on your way to me?

Only time will tell but I want you to know

That I might seem like I do not care

But you will see the truth, you will see the real me

The me who still wants to be a part of a team

The team consisting of YOU and ME

I do not know where you live, are you even near?

Do you think of me as I think of you?

My beautiful stranger, I am right here

Here waiting for you to

Feel me

Kiss me

Embrace me

I am tired of the hide and seek game

And yet I know

The best comes to those who will wait

I will wait for you, wait for us

Our adventure has not started yet but I swear

Once it start; I will fight for every step we take, fight for us

See, I did think I had found my love, but it did not last

I often asked myself why, why did it not last?

It did not last because it was not right

I was meant to go on a different path

A path I had trouble walking because I was broken

But the path gets easier for every step I take

My beautiful stranger; I am taking a leap of faith

I do not know your name

…Yet…

But I know it will be music in my ears as your voice

Your arms will be the wings protecting me, guiding me

But most importantly

It will be the wings of love

The love I am awaiting

You, my future knight in shining armor

Thank you for letting my dream in my heart live on

Thanks for the smiles you place on my lips

The happy thoughts in my mind when everything seems impossible

I know it is not

In time, when it is right

We will meet

But until then; stay safe, true but most importantly; keep believing

Believing in YOU and ME

I know your love awaits me and know this

My love is awaiting you too…

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Control Freak meets Unstoppable Water

Last Thursday (December 11) ended pretty bad.

I was having a good evening with my Bestie, just talking and enjoying a good cup of coffee when all of a sudden, a dripping sound occurred. First, my Bestie said: “I think it’s something outside.” but I went straight to my kitchen and thank goodness I did. Brown water (so disgusting) was floating up from the sink… it didn’t stop and I tried to put my hand down into the sink in the hopes of… well, I don’t know what I was hoping for or why I did so. I think, I panicked as I could see the dirty water wasn’t stopping. My Bestie came running out to me and we threw towels on the floor. Still the water wasn’t stopping and we started emptying the kitchen, the floor and the table. Within a few minutes, the floor was covered in brown water, it had a hideous smell and I just wanted to scream out of frustration.

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It’s quite difficult to see (on these pictures) just how much water was running out from the sink… you can see how dirty the water is though 😦

I called the plumber right away but dammit, the secretary answering the phone sure did have all the time in the world, it was so annoying. It took at least five minutes before I had talked to the plumber who would be there within 15 minutes or so. This happened at about 7:15 pm and my son would be home at 8 pm (he has a long day in school at Thurdays because after school, he’s staying with a few other kids where the teachers are making dinner with them and they are just having a good time. This is a special offer for families with children, who needs extra care and I finally took the offer as I could feel the stress building up in my mind and body. It’s really a bonus because I get some time to myself and my son loves the extra time in school because they really do enjoy the time together. In fact, he’s just loving school more and more, which makes me extremely happy because last year, he wasn’t that happy about school and it could be quite difficult to get him there but now, he loves it. This was a side fact LOL)

Anyways, everything was a mess, the living room filled with kitchen stuff, the hallway was cluttered too and water everywhere in the kitchen. It was damn cold outside but I had to open the balcony door because of the terrible smell from the water.

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Finally the plumber came but oh my, oh my, what a dork. Sorry but he was! He just looked at the water, stated that he could see the problem and I was like ‘Really, you do? Wow you sure didn’t waste your education.’ He couldn’t do anything and got back to his wagon where he just sat. Since water was still running out from the sink, I went out to him and asked what would happen now? And he just answered that he had to call someone else and they would be here within 45 minutes or so… 45 minutes?! Hmm, really frustrating for a control freak like me. I hate when I can’t do shit. My son came home and I had to put him directly to bed (my bed) with a cartoon because of the mess and chaos. Luckily he was very tired and fell asleep right away.

About 50 minutes later, another man came to my apartment and at least he seemed like he actually knew what he was talking about…. Lucky me! But about 3 hours went by before they cleared the problem. Apparently the waste pipe was blocked and since my apartment is below ten other apartments, I got all their water!!!

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The other plumber who luckily knew what to do

Luckily, no water was running up from the sink anymore, but unfortunately because so much time had passed, all the water on the floor had gone away… gone under my floor!

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Here you can see the water is gone and all there’s left, is the dirtiness from the water

About 10 pm another man arrived to the scene and he was supposed to clean up; the dirty water (that really wasn’t there anymore) and clean up from all the mess the other two men had made. This man was sweet but way too talkative and boy, did he flirt LOL I got one compliment after another. I just wanted to either laugh or tell him that he’s here to get things done. Since this happened on a Thurday night, the ‘cleaning man’ wasn’t sure that anyone would come the day after (Friday) to check up on the situation but he could write in the journal that a hot brunette was living there (yep, that’s what he said to me) and I could see that my Bestie was about to laugh. Well I am a hot brunette (or whatever LOL) but the entire situation was just too funny. He helped me empty the cabinets. All the things in the cabinets; vases, jars and plastic bowls were filled with brown water… so two moving boxes were filled and all of this I had to clean. Some things had to be thrown out. The kitchen floor got removed and a huge machine (dehumidifier) were put in the kitchen.

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This machine had to dry out the entire room.  The machine might be very annoying but at least it didn’t take long before the flooring was dry again.

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That machine I still have, but hopefully it will be gone on Monday. The machine creates such a dryness in the kitchen, it’s super noisy and wow my kitchen feels like a sauna.I’m missing three cabinets, the sink, have no water and no room. I know it could be worse because if I hadn’t been at home, things would definitely have been looking a lot worse but come on, Christmas is just around the corner, and I can’t really use my kitchen.

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My kitchen status quo

My son’s room is now a storage room for all the stuff. My walk-in closet filled with kitchen things as well. It’s just too messy and chaotic for a control freak like me.

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My sons room at the moment

But on the plus side; I get a new oven – YAY! I did asked our janitor some time ago, if my oven could be replaced because it wasn’t functioning as it should  but back then, the answer was no. But now the answer is yes. I guess he feels bad about my kitchen situation.

That Thursday night was super annoying because who wants a water damage? But I have to admit, my Bestie and I did chuckle a lot about the entire situation… If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right 😉

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I’m truly looking forward to get my kitchen back. It’s not easy to take the dishes in the bathroom sink, since it’s very small. But at least I do have water 🙂

This Control Freak sure is looking forward to Monday (December 21) because hopefully the dehumidifier machine will be gone (it’s not compeltely sure but I hope so!)

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