This is the day before…

… I turn 26 & yes I know it’s really not that old but gosh, I really didn’t expect this but I must admit that it makes me panic & why? I know a lot of people over 26 & I don’t find them old at all but all of the sudden it gives me a feeling of anxiety. Maybe it’s because I am NOT at all where I thought I would be by this time & yes I know that it doesn’t have to be a bad thing not being where we thought we would be & we meet crossroads in life that makes us change our path – or is it the fact that I am so afraid of the future? I guess that’s the main reason.

Earlier today my boy & me visited my parents & together we looked in photo albums of me, my brother & sister growing up & there were people in the albums that are not present today, I really do miss both my grandmothers! It was fun, sad & peculiar to see all the old photos but I laughed a bit because on many of the old pictures my dad was in the garden, making a new terrace or making some kind of handy work & he’s luckily still like that.

Everybody keeps telling me that 26 isn’t old & that I really shouldn’t feel so bad but sadly enough just thinking about tomorrow makes me almost teary eyed. I might not be where I wanted to be & it’s not that I don’t like where I am now because I wouldn’t be without my precious son but wow I would def. like it if my son didn’t have all these difficulties, I feel so bad for him even though he has a great spirit & that’s the most important thing but hate how the system is always trying to break us down & what if the system is the reason that my boy will never be on his own, controlling his own life? Luckily I can’t see into the future but sometimes I wish I could, no matter if it’s a bad or good future, I don’t like the unknown, not as it is right now.

My weakest side: I don’t know my own worth & everytime something goes wrong or my boy isn’t developing as I would wish he would, I blame myself, why? Guess I always have been quite the perfectionist. But deep inside I know there must be some great things in store for me & there’s so many things I need to experience still & can’t wait. My biggest wish for myself would be NOT to try to control everything & I need to accept the way my life is turning out – God has a Masteplan for me!

The same date next year I hope I can look at this blog & tell myself: What frightened me so much about turning 26 because it has been quite the year. Let’s see where the next year takes me, I know what I want out of this year to come but if it’s going the way I want it or not?

You know the saying: “You control your own destiny” – well I don’t believe that saying because we can’t control everything & God will teach us every single day that it’s not up to us – yes it’s up to us to control whether we take good or bad choices in life but we can’t control the Masterplan!

Let go & let God.

About majasf

Single mom
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One Response to This is the day before…

  1. Laney says:

    Oh, honey… You don’t know how much like me you sound. For me it has never been about getting “older”. I don’t care the number, because I figure it’s just a number. What has bothered me about getting older is the fact that I’m not where I thought I would be by certain points in my life. Ever since high school, I had a “plan”. That plan that I had for myself is far from what my life is, so I completely understand. I just keep trying to tell myself that God has a plan. It may not be my plan, but as much as I want to be in charge… He’s actually the one in charge. ;o)

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