To be or not to be

Single? It isn’t really a question because I really don’t have the energy or the trust to get into a relationship as my life is right now but must admit; At night when my boy’s sleeping I tend to get a little lonely sometimes. Just sitting alone & not know what to do & when that exact feeling hit me I tend to overthink things a lot. Really try to keep my spirit but wow it can be quite difficult sometimes when you feel all alone. I know I’m not alone, don’t get me wrong but just wish I had someone at night to talk to face to face when it’s getting dark outside. But when day light strikes again, I’m fine by being alone, wierd feeling & wish it would go away. I have a great family, my bestie & my beautiful son & am so thankful for that. Guess I just could use someone to talk to about how my day was or just share my happiness or sorrows with. It’s been some rough years & know we have a lot to overcome still, my son & me but really didn’t expect to lose the friends I’ve lost during the last couple of years. Esp. losing my high school friend, guess that has been the biggest surprise. I know I haven’t been the best to keep contact either but really wish she would have reached out a hand to me when she knew I needed it. Why did our friendship fell apart? I really don’t know, my guess is that I got too demanding, couldn’t always keep our “dates” because of my son or well it wasn’t his fault but when I was living with my ex, I never knew what I had in store whenever he got home. But hey can’t lie, I did have stability with my ex, one thing he always kept was: He kept drinking even though I begged him NOT to & when he got home from a night out he never disappointed me; He was always rude, evil & in a mood that just gave me the creeps. Now that I’m writing I can almost hear his drunk voice & see how he wobbles around on the floor – wow that sure was a heavy time, still can’t believe that has been my life – Thank God I’m out of that, even though he still has the biggest grip on me: Our son. He just know how to make me angry or sad. Like yesterday when I called him to talk about our son, he answered his phone with the same drunken voice I have heard like forever, this voice couldn’t care less! He’d lied about having vacation just to avoid having his son at home, it made me cry. A father who doesn’t even wants his own kid anymore, I think he feels like our son is requiring too much as things are for now. Well I think he should really stop drinking!!!

Wow this blog took a turn I didn’t expect but guess that’s the beauty with writing, when you first start writing, you have this path you want to follow & sometimes this path just changes, guess it’s the same with life! We can always have dreams & goals etc. but we can never know if we actually make these goals – Hey when I was young I wanted to be a lawyer, live in a fancy house with my husband & children – Today I’m a singlemom to ONE child, living in a small rented apartment, my paycheck says: Rehabilitation. But in the end I wouldn’t change a thing because LOVE being a singlemom (because that means that I at least got away from my ex), LOVE my small rented apartmen, it’s a home & LOVE my son & would do anything for him 🙂 But gotta admit, I am NOT satifsfied with my paycheck saying: rehabilitation because I really want an education, got fired from my last job because I got a depression (that taught me that I need to ask for help & can’t do everything by myself) but 5 months ago I dreamt about getting an education but that changed 4 months ago & now I’m dreaming about getting permission to hometreat my son, see already a new dream/goal has changed into a new dream/goal 🙂 Even a better one, I believe. Then we can talk about education when my son’s better (hopefully)

Good Night 😉

About majasf

Single mom
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