It’s almost quiet in our little apartment, Tobias is sleeping & the only thing I can hear inside our home is the sound of me typing but of course outside there’s a racket – a racket of fireworks.
Right now I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. Can’t believe I’m actually sitting all alone on New Year’s Eve. I was supposed to be the hostess of tonight’s dinner party etc. – my parents was to come home to us but yesterday the plans got changed because my big brother & his new girlfriend were coming too so instead we were going home to my parents. But when Tobias & I arrived at my parent’s place Tobias got all hysterical & screamed & cried & couldn’t calm him down so the only thing I could do was to go home again with Tobias & as always he calmed down & was smiling again. That meant that we were home around 4:30 pm with no dinner (other than what I had in the refrigerator) but definitely that was no fancy New Year’s Eve dinner, that’s for sure. I knew that Tobias & I was not going to be out late today & also knew that I would be alone when it all explodes outside & we are welcoming a new year – hopefully a good year but didn’t count on this & actually I’m surprised by my own reaction today but guess it’s okay to feel this frustrated sometimes especially on celebration days where we are “suppose” to be with our family & or friends. This is truly a wake-up call & maybe in the end it was very healthy to sit alone on a night like this – can’t help to think about the people who have no love ones in their lives, gosh I feel for them, really I do.
I’m so sad right now & truly feel like I’m all alone & really I know that I’m not but just can’t believe that this is happening. I hate fireworks & now I have to deal with those all by myself, just not fair. I really wish that we had kept the first agreement on how to celebrate this night, we made the other arrangement because of my son, he can’t stand too much fuss & turmoil so it was so perfect with just being him, me & my parents.
It really makes me think of Miranda from Sex & The City when she’s without Brady & she’s sitting all alone in her apartment, but okay I have my son at home & I have no Carrie on her way home to me.
I hope & pray that 2012 will be the year where my son either gets cured or at least we find out what’s wrong with him & how to deal with it. I love my son endlessly & would never be without it but gosh at times it can be so trying & difficult to be a single mother to a unique but very sick boy who can’t for example be very social at some days.
Well, after been crying a whole lot, I just opened a bottle of Verdi Spumante Sparkling Wine & will try to just enjoy myself – am just a little tired of my own company right now.
Christmas Eve was about the same as this night, we went home right after dinner & even had to open some presents at home & let me say this: Tobias is NOT interested in presents at all & maybe it’s because he’s not using his hands at all & his curiosity just isn’t present for presents.
So what do I hope for 2012 to bring: EVERYTHING!!! No okay then, but at least just bring some prosperity for my son. I need for him to be well soon & for him & me to start a whole new life, we deserve it!!!
But for now: Let go & let God
Happy New Year