& it’s me, truly changed my view upon life, feelings, myself, challenges, food habits etc.
It’s no secret that I have forgotten all about myself & my own physical appearance lately, or lately – maybe to be all honest it happened a long time ago. It already happen while I was pregnant with my son who turns 5 in March. I should have been the happiest woman alive because I was expecting & I truly wanted a baby but guess with a “man” who was never home & when he finally was home he was complaining about everything & anything. He was never around during the weekends because he had to go out with friends & he always came home drunk & mean. He was yelling & throwing things around. I became someone I promised myself never to become, I remember especially one Friday night where I actually went on my crying knees & begged him to stay home & if he was to go out then please he wouldn’t come home drunk. He didn’t even look at me & just left. We were engaged & expecting our first child. He couldn’t care less.
But then my precious son arrived & I was super happy & my ex was still drinking every weekend. But time went by & when my son was around 1 year old I finally decided to leave my ex & move into my own apartment. My ex cried & really it surprised me, we cried together but I stayed true to myself & left.
I remember my mom being actually in a way mad at me for leaving my ex, I was never honest during the time I was with him about the person he truly was & how much he drank etc. I got so sad about my mom’s reaction because I needed her the most back then but my mom is old fashioned & she thought that I was giving up on my own family & that I should have stayed to work out the problems.
Then life really happened & my son was definitely not developing the way he should & everything was chaotic & so was I, not only mentally but I started gaining weight. I cried at night when my son was asleep & then I ate & ate & ate a little more. Eating became my solution to my unhappiness.
Then in 2008, a “normal” day Tobias (my son) & I were going to live at my parent’s house because they were on a vacation so we had to live there for a week. I had looked forward to it because they live a little outside the city & we could relax, enjoy the garden, walk the dog etc. but as soon as we arrived I took Tobias & our luggage inside the house & then I just broke down. I cried & felt so bad inside, I couldn’t explain it to myself. I had to come home to our own home. I called the doctor the day after & now it was here; I had stress & a moderate depression. The doctor asked me if I wanted medication for my depression but no way!!! I’ve heard about those “drugs” & I didn’t want to gain anymore weight & I could fight this myself.
Everything from there is one big blur, not that I was crying all day – I could keep it together when my son was awake etc. but this period after the depression hit is just a jumble of feelings & thoughts & actions.
This is the last 4 years of my life: Tobias started being checked at the hospital because of his wrong development – Tobias had to change kindergarten, they could no longer have him there because he was not like other kids, he went to a special institution for disabled kids – my ex rarely saw his son & only texted me with mean & negative things – I lost my job due to my depression – the apartment that my ex & I owned together was almost going on foreclosure so had to move back home to my ex with our son, then stupid as I was back then I thought we could save our relationship (really don’t know where my brain went), my ex seemed like he wanted to save us too, then he slept with another – I had to move out again, my ex was still drinking & almost pushed me down the stairs – Tobias & I moved, my Bestie (whom I hadn’t seen in so many years was just getting out of relationship so she had nowhere to live, she moved in with us = saved me a lot) – my ex all of the sudden wanted Tobias to live one week at my place & then a week at his place (the system thought the same) – Tobias got even more “sick”, started stereotype movements with hands, lost language, didn’t want to play with toys, couldn’t eat by himself, couldn’t drink by himself, screamed – I started a custody case against my ex, went through 2 “child welfare investigations” (the 1 psychologist believed that Tobias was better off living only with me, the system rejected her report & demanded another “child welfare investigation”, this psychologist believed that Tobias should live one week at my place & a week at my ex’s place, she also said that my ex was a perfect father etc, oh & before I forget she condemned my son & told me that I should just wait on him to be “sicker” & that some day he would only lay in a bed not being able to do anything – finally my ex woke up & agreed on only having Tobias every other weekend – all of the sudden he admits that Tobias is always sad & tempered at their place (my ex now lives with his gf in our old apartment) – I applied for approval to hometrain my son, but got rejection – Tobias started on medication because doctors found out he’s missing folic acid in his spinal fluids but don’t know how to exactly cure it & they think something more is wrong but don’t know what etc. – months passed by & then suddenly my ex called & told me that Tobias hadn’t been happy at their place in many months & they couldn’t handle him anymore so he didn’t want Tobias home anymore – then he did want him home for some hours one day, texted me complaining about how “bad” Tobias is & that he couldn’t see any improvement – I appealed the rejection on the home training for my son, got rejected again so now the case & the final decision is up to our Social Complaints Board & am still waiting on the answer – so now Tobias is living only with me & I love it but I don’t love receiving mean texts from my ex, really he should stop that when he doesn’t even want his son anymore.
So this was just a very short summary of my life the last 4 years & now a new year has just begun & I feel HAPPY for the first time in a long time!!! Okay, Tobias is definitely not well at all & we still don’t have any answer on what’s wrong with Tobias & doctors seems like they have given up on him but I am emailing back & forth with an American doctor & I’m seeking all kinds of information’s abroad & I know I have friends out there in the world who is trying to find out about anything that can help Tobias.
Today Tobias actually crawled like “two steps” & he didn’t even scream when I tried to train him. He’s become a happier boy with what seems like a happier & lighter spirit & that’s the most important thing right now. I started a diet & am actually still on it & I don’t even feel the need to eat candy or chocolate & that’s something new because before I always had chocolate like every day. Even though our lives are still kind of messy, I am not crying every night because finally I found my Faith again & this year will be a strong year & hopefully this year will be the year where everything turns around for my son.
My ex can send any mean or negative text he wants to because this mommy right here is no longer answering. I feel great & of course I know there will still come days where I feel like nothing is changing & I may feel discouraged but I am only human. But I can tell you this much, I haven’t felt like this for many years. I am only 26 & I don’t deserve to feel like I’m 70 years old. I need to fix myself & when I feel great I am definitely a better mom. I know I am the best mom for my son!!!
Bring it on 2012