Am lost for words AGAIN. Or maybe I’m just lost in life. I don’t know but what I do know is this: Things are definitely NOT going as I’ve hoped they would by now. I’m sick & tired of being sick & tired, really. My God this fighting the system is just draining me slowly for life, energy & hope & faith.
Sometimes I wonder, what’s the point? I don’t want to quit & am not going to! But gosh, am in this dark gloomy period where I can’t seem to get myself up from the dirt. I’m just sad.
Every night when my son’s sleeping, I’m crying. I can cry for hours, feels like I can’t breathe, my mind is chaotic, lost & tired.
I even decided not to be on Twitter for a period because I realized that almost all of my tweets or chirps as my inspiration Brian Littrell would call them, they were all negative in some way. I don’t want to seem like this person with only negative thoughts but confession hour: I’m so negative/sad right now. Why is it so hard to get justice for my little man? Why won’t anyone listen to me? Why can’t the doctors figure our what’s wrong with my boy? Why is it that my ex has given up on his own son? Why is it that I have to stand up for myself every day? Why oh why? Well, guess I’m just human & guess it’s alright to feel defeated sometimes & even though I hate to admit this; I do feel defeated. I don’t know how to shout out anymore, how to fight anymore, how to claim righteousness but of course I’m not giving up at all. Am just sad, I feel empty. But I know God is still with us. Seems a little crazy that I feel all of these sad things when I know God’s with us but just need answers or results. Maybe what I really need is a torch to lighten up my path in life again?
I hate admitting this but sometimes I really wish that I had a significant other, someone to confide in, someone to share it all with; the joys, the sorrows, the laughs, the cries etc. But when someone’s asking me if I don’t miss having a boyfriend I always answer the same: NOOOO am definitely not even ready for a boyfriend, don’t have time, I don’t have the self-esteem right now, my son needs me more & bla bla bla – the truth is I am too afraid to lay myself out there, am afraid of rejections, afraid of falling in love & being neglected or left. I’m afraid of finding a new “man” who drinks a little too much & then being violent as my ex was. Gosh, I’m only turning 27 but feel like I’m all dried out, lost for energy, lost for beauty etc.
I hope things will turn around ASAP.
I even thought about writing a book about my son, the struggle, the system etc but don’t know where to begin at all & who would really read that book?