May 1st, Tobias & I started our new life, the life where Tobias finally could stay home with me & we could start the hometraining. Now it’s May 15 & it has been amazing having my son home without having to take him to this special kindergarten for disabled children & Tobias’ mood has definitely gone up but nothing much other than that has changed. I don’t wanna sound discouraged but gosh, am so very afraid of the future because doctors still can’t give any answers to what could be wrong with my lil man & I just really want some answer now, something to be able to use, some information or the chance to call experts to help my son but nothing. Today has been a kinda sad day, not because anything has happened & Tobias has been in a great mood etc but my heart is just breaking & am not sure why, guess I’m a little stressed about it all, how will this turn out, can I save my boy, will his dad ever be there for Tobias, what’s wrong with Tobias etc etc etc. – I don’t wanna be sad, I wanna be happy but something inside of me is just racing & can’t quite explain it. But have been crying a lot since yesterday.
I’m still awaiting the result of the last test Tobias had, if he could have the terrible disease: FoxG1 – am really praying that he doesn’t have that because it can very well be fatal. Argh hate when I feel like this, this ridiculous negative view upon everything. I should be HAPPY because at least my son is breathing, he’s super happy now that he’s home with me. Tomorrow, my mom is coming home to us & her & me will cook some different food etc because now I’m putting Tobias on this diet – we have tried the diet before & I do think it helped him a little but back then Tobias still saw his dad & he didn’t wanna give Tobias the diet because he felt it was too much trouble etc so now we are giving it a go again & hopefully it will change something inside of Tobias!
The last 4, 5 years has been a rollercoaster. Really, have never been a fan of rollercoaster’s but somehow I got on this ride & now I can’t seem to jump off.
People keep telling me; everything will be fine, you worry too much etc but come on it’s my son & what if everything’s not going to be fine? I really do try to keep a positive spirit & will fight at all times to get my son better & to make him happy & to give him a good life. He deserves the world & I’m going to give it to him but sometimes I do break, sometimes I do only see the negative in this & that’s okay. Guess it’s normal to fall into these holes of devastation. Just need to get up again & remember that God is with us & he does have a master plan but really hope it has a happy ending!
I need something positive to happen soon, really hope the doctors will call me soon & tell me that Tobias doesn’t have the FoxG1 Gene Disorder. I truly am praying that all Tobias needs is me & being at home & getting the hometraining will help him. I need to believe in myself & what I’m doing is the right thing.
But way too many times, I ask myself; how did this happen to my son? Guess I’ll never get that answer & maybe it doesn’t even matter because all that matters is that Tobias is happy!
Sorry for the “sad” blog but had to get this off my chest & tomorrow is a new day & I will get in a better mood, just been down for so many reasons since yesterday. Have so much more I wanna get off my chest but guess I’ll stop writing now.