I’ve taken some days off Twitter because it was driving me crazy – not the people on Twitter but maybe more just myself driving myself crazy, I can’t explain it but just needed the time off & really something in me thought I would be “missed” etc & yes I do know that maybe I’m not that important but still just feel a little invisible & I am truly sorry if people got tired of me tweeting sad tweets etc but to be honest; life happens & to be even more honest; I am so sad about life these days because I feel so defeated. Not only because my son is so sick but also because I don’t even know who to turn to, what to do to change my state of mind etc & it may sound pathetic but how do we cope when our children are sick? Not sick like having the flu but when our children are truly sick & no doctor can help?
I’m still trying to accept the fact that the doctor I truly thought could be the answer to my prayers couldn’t help Tobias anyways but gosh, who can then? I know people tell me that I should let go & let God but come on be honest: if you were a mom, could you truly just sit back & say that & truly do it? I know I can’t & yes I do know that I’m a control freak but then again Tobias is my son & I’m the most important person in his life & it’s my duty (my blessing) to help him & make sure that he’s fine & I just feel like I’m failing big time here. I’ve tried everything I possibly could but still feel like I’m missing something but don’t know what it is but my heart screams everyday & still I can’t find the answer at all.
My entire life rotates around Tobias & my family is doing the same, it kinda feels like I’m forgetting myself & who I am, hopefully this doesn’t sound selfish because it sure isn’t meant that way at all! But do need to find myself but how? How do I cope with the fact that we are no way near finding any help or diagnosis for Tobias?
I need my break or maybe I just need the breakthrough but where to find that?
I do pray to God every night but to be honest; I’m having trouble with my faith these days & I hate it because it doesn’t feel good & sometimes it even makes me feel like a bad person not having my faith as strong as I should.
I am grateful every morning when I wake up to a new day, I am grateful that my son is still alive but I hate that I can’t control anything right now. I cry way too often. I wanna feel more free & I wanna be the best mom to Tobias but I just don’t feel like that these days at all. I wanna be happy & I wanna sound & BE grateful for my life but gosh, we need the break.
Ever since this nightmare started, I’ve felt like nobody listens to me, again do feel invisible. But the worst part is that I feel like my son is invisible too – why is it that no one can help him or at least try? I do know that loads of children all over the world are without diagnoses etc but it doesn’t help my feelings or my thoughts. & really I do know that the diagnosis is really not that important but what’s more important is that Tobias gets the right help.
I’ve even thought about making a video about my son & see if I could get it out to the world but then again I feel like that might be the wrong thing to do because I for certain don’t wanna exploit my son in any way etc.
When I write I feel invisible, maybe it’s even feeling invisible to myself because can’t recognize myself anymore – once I was filled with all smiles & happy thoughts & filled of life & don’t feel like that anymore, at least not right now, that is. Guess we all have periods where we feel like life is being really tough & that’s totally fine, at least we are only human & we have feelings etc but if someone could just pick me up, I would be happy. I wish I had something to do other than “just” hometraining my son because my life needs more content, I am aware of that now but then again it’s not funny to admit at all because not only is it kinda sad saying it but also feel so selfish for saying so because some people can’t even have kids & I am blessed with one.
But for now, I guess I just need to accept that I am sad & filled with worries, this is where I am in life right now, & guess it’s where I’ve been in life for a long time – just didn’t have the courage to admit it before but I’m definitely not as strong as some people say I am – I’m thankful for people thinking so but really it’s not the truth because am barely standing these days. Not that I’m not happy at all because I am, God blessed my with a beautiful family & a BFF that’s here for me all the time & am so very grateful for that! But that doesn’t take away the pain when it comes to my boy because if he’s not happy, I’m not happy either. I just want him to be fine & want him to be happy & luckily he’s full of smiles! I’m so afraid of the future because I don’t hold the key on how to help my boy getting better. Maybe someday I will get that miracle I need & experience my son full of life, developing the right way again or maybe I’m never going to experience my son well again – guess only time will tell!