Only time can tell….

It’s starting to build up….

 Tobias turned 6 in March.

That in itself is huge and to be honest, I had days where I thought, we would never make it but he is still standing and smiling.

What a fighter, my little champ is!

BUT turning 6 also means in our country (Denmark) that children has to start school.

Tobias’ illness makes no exception; he just has to attend a special school. I visited the school months ago and was actually quite surprised in a good way and the teachers there seemed very human and yet professional.  (I’ve met several ‘professionals’ and ‘experts’ and one thing they all had in common was they didn’t seem human in any way. Sad, I know but the truth!)

To be honest, I was definitely wearing my no hat when I got to the school but quickly took it off and put my yes hat on, which doesn’t happen often when it comes to our system vs. my son!

When Tobias was smaller he went to a ‘normal’ kindergarten but due to his illness that started all of the sudden where he lost several skills he had learned, he started in a special kindergarten and that was when one of our many nightmares started.

They strapped my son to a chair; special chair made for children with disabilities to make sure the child doesn’t drop down and get injured. I thought they only used it for Tobias when they were eating to make sure nothing happened. I was never happy about it but as I was being told, they need to use them if there isn’t enough teachers in the room because they need to be able to have the chance of leaving the table if something happens to another kid or something. But it was an ever going debate with the staff about that stupid chair because I was in no way ever getting used to it. But when they told me that they would NEVER leave Tobias in that chair and they only used it in eating situations, I tried to relax just a little.

BUT one day, I came earlier to pick up Tobias and entered the room where Tobias and all the other kids were. Some children and staff were in there but no Tobias. I went into a smaller room and there my boy was sitting, ALL ALONE, with a stare but no life in his eyes, strapped into that dreadful chair!

I hurriedly took him out of the chair and into my arms. I can’t with words even describe how furious I was and on a verge to cry. But I had to stay strong for my boy! With my precious boy in my arms, I went out and didn’t say a word to the staff. I just went home.

 Naturally, I complained both to the head of the kindergarten but also our department for children in our city but no one listened and they all just told me that Tobias was in no pain and the reason why they had put him in that room was because he started crying and seemed like he couldn’t tolerate the other kids at the time.

WTF!!!???

My son was crying because he couldn’t stand too much noise but why on earth would you put him alone in a room, strapped to a chair only centimeters from a white wall? Just writing about this situation makes me want to scream! It’s quite difficult to write about without getting all emotional again.

 I could go on and on about how the system failed and how badly they treated my son.

I even, observed other children being neglected but when I mentioned it to the parents what I’ve seen they just said: “we know our child can’t do much. The staff here is professional”.

Really, some parents’ are blind or just too weak to simply care enough! Or maybe it is because no one in this country knows what the law says? But to say that your child can’t do much, that is just to evil! Sorry, you are your child’s lawyer no matter what! Take responsibility!

Anyhow, I finally got my son out of the nightmare place and started home training him.

I have done so for a year now. With no help from anyone!

 My son is alive again, smiling and laughing!

A now he has to start school.

Hm, not sure how I feel about it, I mean, the school seemed like a good place but then again, the kindergarten did from the first view of it.

Of course, I’m scarred from that experience and maybe this class will be good for my boy now that he’s curious on what goes on and he seems happy and satisfied.

I have tried telling myself that we have to move on, I need to get an education and then a job so I can provide for us, Tobias deserves to have some other kind of challenges (in the good way) and maybe these teachers can do something good for him, it might even be that good that Tobias develops even more. All of this, I keep repeating to myself and yet my heart is aching and I get teary eyes and starts questioning:

What if this is will be a repeat of the nightmare kindergarten?

What if my son can’t handle it? (I know I need to believe in him!) And I, of course, will be the very first person to react if he seems to get worse again.

What if something happens and I’m not there?

What if my son feels like I’m ‘leaving him’?

What if we end back where we were?

But the worst and this is the feeling I have every time I think about school.

I’ve been home training him, hoping it could ‘save’ him, it didn’t.

Surely, he’s happy again, he is starting developing very slowly, but we still have a long journey ahead of us…

we can do this, Tobias! I got you, even when you don’t have the energy or the happy mood, I’m right here, leading us further!

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Now I feel like time is running out, like I’ve given up or something. I don’t think I can explain it in words, really. But I feel sick when I think about it. My eyes are all wet, my heart is racing and my stomach is turning.

The last year, I’ve been alone with Tobias 24/7, taken care of all his needs and now I have to let him go. Kind of like when your little child starts kindergarten, you have to slowly get used to not being with that little child. It’s my second time to try this and this time, my son is sick.

(He was well when he started his first kindergarten).

I could really go on and on about how bad it makes me feel.

A good friend did tell me that this will give me a chance to move on, chasing my own dreams etc. I am aware of this and it gives me comfort but still. I am scared!

My biggest dream and goal in life, is simply to make sure my boy lives the best life that he is able to!

This Monday, Tobias and I are visiting his new class.

He isn’t starting school until August but I want to make sure that he gets used to the children and the teachers and the school itself. Therefore we are going to visit many times.

I will try to see this whole change of our life as a good thing.

Tobias starts school, I will start working as an intern until I start school January 2014. No doubt, it will be darn rough and I will definitely have to adjust to all of this. But I’m not worried about myself, only Tobias.

I have to stay strong, I need to keep faith and who knows; maybe our time is finally here. Maybe this is what we need to move on!

One thing is clear, though. I’m never giving up on my son! If this school is a dreadful as the kindergarten, I guess a new battle starts.

But what I think I need to say is:

Good luck to all the teachers because watch out:

This lion mom isn’t afraid to roar!

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Only time can tell….

About majasf

Single mom
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