In your Eyes

My precious boy!

How your eyes have changed.

From when you were born until you were about 1,5 – 2 years old, they slowly changed into something I could not recognize. I will always love your eyes, but these were terribly different, they had gone somewhere and I did not know where.

For a long time, which felt like forever, you never looked into my eyes or others. You had no sparkle. They were just sad or gone.

Today, your eyes are changing again.  I do not know where they had been hiding but it does not matter now.

This time, it is like you are coming back with full speed.

 You look in my eyes, you even lock your gaze with me.

If I cry, do not think it is sad tears. You just overwhelm me with your incredible strength.

Your eyes are my mirror.

Your eyes are blue but the left eye has a brown spot, just like my grandma had. It is unique and somehow I can find her in you. It sounds silly but it is true.

Your eyes have been telling me for years how to react, they have guided me in so many ways but there is one thing I cannot figure out: the anger.

Yesterday was extremely rough. You had been sleeping but woke up. Not like when you have a nightmare.

At first I just thought you wanted some water but then you started crying and screaming.

Your arms and legs were fighting. You even tried to fight me when I took you up but yet you wanted me to hug you. Put you into your safest place on this planet, my loving arms.

You sat on my lap, kicking and screaming. You fisted both hands and took them up. We have tried that before but what you did with your eyes, I have never seen before. They were filled with anger and you kept saying something, I could not understand what but you repeated it again and again.

Your eyes were raging and you scared me. It was not really you scaring me but I got scared of myself because all of the sudden I felt lost, I did not know what to do and I hate when I feel powerless. I just want to be your SuperMom always!

I tried to hold my tears back and tell you that it is okay to be angry and I feel your frustrations. I could not do anything else.

I finally got you to calm down and you fell asleep again, all safe and sound. But the eyes have been haunting me ever since. What is it you are trying to tell me? Are you ‘just’ giving me your temper, like any other child would do?

I love and appreciate the change in your eyes tremendously because you have never been that expressing before so that is definitely a very good thing!

Victory!

 But it scares me that I cannot figure out why the anger and if it is something we, together, can change?!

I know we have times where everything is chaotic, filled with strange people coming into your safe zone, our home. This week has been rough with meetings about you. I hate talking about you with all the professionals when you are right next to me because I do not ever want you to feel different in the negative way or make you feel sad or make you think that I am sad either.

Everything I do, I do for you!

I do it for us!

I do it for the world!

Tobias, my little champ.

You are only 6 years old and yet you have gone through things that are so rare (luckily) but you, my blessing, will show the world who you are!

You inspire me daily to improve, keep going, keep trying, keep searching!

Some might say that I am SuperMom but I am not.

But I am YOUR SuperMom, why?

Because you need me to be and you can always count on me!

 I will forever take you in my arms no matter what.

You can put all your frustration, sorrow, worry and anger on me, I gladly take it all for you!

You are my blessing!

Your eyes are my mirror and they guide me since you cannot speak with words!

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this change in your eyes because it makes it easier for me to read you, to hear you, to help you! One day (soon I hope) I will understand where the anger is coming from.

I love you and I love your eyes.

About majasf

Single mom
This entry was posted in Personal Blog. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to In your Eyes

  1. Paige Thomas says:

    God, Maja. I weeped like a baby reading this. The strength you show for your son is astounding, utterly inspiring and totally unselfish…truly beautiful. Tobias is so lucky to have you. I so wish I had a magic wand right now. xoxo

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