That moment when you realize that your entire life is all about your son is not surprising to any parents. Especially not single parents, I assume but realizing that it is all about your sick son is devastating. The last period of time, I have really tried to push myself to be extremely positive and try to inspire others. People kept telling me how strong I am, even my own family but in reality, I am not.
I am anything but strong these days.
Therefore I took a break from using Twitter, I felt like all I tweeted about was rants about how annoying the medical system is, my own frustrations etc.
Also, I noticed, how annoyed I could get whenever someone was tweeting a complaint about something, I see as such a small thing because if only that was our problem then I would be thankful. Sometimes I want to scream at complaining people. And yes, I complain too (double standard, I know) but some people needs to wake up, enjoy life and stop complaining about the small things in life. But then again, we cannot compare problems. I am aware of this but still.
I am happy and I do see positive things, but each day is always filled with that moment where I do not know where to go, what to look for, what diagnosis could my son have, where is that doctor who can help. In fact, I have realized that I have become obsessed in using Google to see if I can find anything that leads to something I can use, some information I could take to the doctors but now I think I have searched it all. And yet, I sit here with no clue on where to go next? When is it enough? When is it that you just ‘accept’ the card you are given? Or should you never accept? I find it difficult.
Whenever I am in meeting regarding myself and job and education, I am always being told that I should take better care of myself, find new hobbies and friends and a boyfriend. I totally understand why they say that and I would give that advice if I met myself as well, but really, it is not that easy! I am alone with my son and only my parents are helping me when needed (which I appreciate more than words can ever describe). The last meeting I had with my caseworker, I almost choked in the coffee when she said: “When Tobias starts school, you will have more time for yourself and that is great. Maybe you will find love then”.
Hmm, really? So when Tobias starts school this is how my life looks like:
Up early in the mornings to take my son to school (a random day).
Off to whatever office internship I get.
Pick up my son from school.
Make sure he gets something to eat and drink.
Be social with my beautiful son.
Give my son a bath and put him to bed.
Prepare his lunchbox for the next day.
– Should I just invite a random guy home to me at night and hope he wants to be my boyfriend?
I am not writing the ‘day schedule’ to get pity, it is what it is. It is my life and I would not change it for anything. But I am without clue why a caseworker would even say that statement. I do not see why I get more time to myself because Tobias starts school. But nice try, though.
And to be even more honest, I do want a boyfriend. I want a best friend, a lover, a protector, someone who is there for me. But I do not think I am quite ready yet. Unless he just knocks me of my feet straight away, but I doubt that. Someone told me that they do not knock your door without an invitation.
I am not sad for being single.
I rather want to be single than to be with someone who cannot handle everyday life.
Last Wednesday Tobias had several blood tests taken (it would take another blog post to tell you how badly that visit went, how unprofessional the nurses was). Anyways, these tests are some I have asked for. In fact, it took me almost 6 months to convince the doctors to take them. And now there are being analyzed and what if they come back with nothing? Then what?
As you can tell, I am frustrated. More than is even healthy but I am standing up, just not feeling strong.
But on the positive note, Tobias and I have been visited his class (he starts this August) and my goodness, it has been pure pleasure seeing my little champ so happy and curious. He loves it there and his teachers are brilliant. I cannot wait to see where this takes Tobias. It is going to be rough when he starts, that I know. Just like any other child when he/she starts school. I have been hometraining Tobias for a little over a year, so this is a new chapter of our life. I am praying that it will all be good and nothing like his kindergarten days but so far, this is the best thing that can happen in Tobias’ life right now.
I guess, this was another rant or just me trying to tell you that, no I am not always strong. I love people for being there for me but sometimes I do not need to hear how strong I am. Let me be sad, frustrated, and angry etc. I am coping each and every day. I hope this did not sound like me being ungrateful because I am not. Also, I am aware that I must be strong in some ways since I am fighting this hard for my son and have been for several years. I have been a mommy + the ‘trainer’ of my son for a little over a year with no help from anyone. I am aware that some parents would have given up, accepting ‘defeat’ or put their child in some care taking home but not me. So yes, I am strong. But I am not strong always.