Wait… I’m human?!

When do we know when we’ve been through so much that we can’t contain anymore?

How do we recognize when our body is letting us know that we have to slow down, think a little, react, cope and accept that we can’t do everything by ourselves?

Well, back in 2008, I had stress and depression; I didn’t even know myself until a day where my son and I had to watch after my parent’s house and dog. As soon as I got my son inside and all our bags of clothes etc. I just looked at their dog, Molly, and I just cried! I felt like I couldn’t breathe and just the thought of being in this house, where I’ve spend so many years, yet it was too much. I got home again with my son and called my sister, I had to have her look after the house and dog. I remember she got a little annoyed with me because I couldn’t explain to her what’s happened but after seeing my doctor, I was able to put words on how I felt.

Since I’ve tried this before, you’d think I’d recognize all the signs right away but I didn’t.

It’s no secret that I do have bad days where I feel like everything is chaotic and I do cry often but even though my life has been quite the roller coaster, yet I’ve managed to feel fine, being more happy than I’ve been for years but what a lie that was.

The last week, I’ve had trouble falling asleep, my heart was beating way too fast, I felt dizzy and my body was just not relaxed at night. I got worried if I might be very sick. My Bestie and I often talk about all the difficulties with my son, and she’s mentioned before that I need to take better care of myself as well, but yesterday after a rough night, I talked to my mom on the phone and told her how I felt. She immediately asked me to call the doctor because she had no doubt that I was suffering with stress/depression again but I told her no way and that I’m not stressed but as soon as I said goodbye and hung up, I broke down. I cried and cried but I managed to call my doctor and got an appointment the same day. I felt a little at ease and took a shower but broke down there as well. It finally hit me that maybe my Bestie and mom was right, this is me… reacting again!

All the way down to the city, I was tense and almost crying. When I got up the stairs, my heart was racing and I felt like I could faint. However, I managed to calm a little down while being in the waiting room.

The doctor listened to my heart, which was racing again because I was so worried about what she’d tell me but then I relaxed and she told me that it sounded perfectly fine. She also did a check on my blood pressure, which was perfect. We talked and talked and she then looked at me with a little amusement in her eyes “But Maja, you’re human!” – I was like aha, oh so that’s what’s wrong with me?!

We talked some more and agreed that I have to visit her again in about two weeks and I got a reference to a psychologist.

My doctor knows me very well by now and knows all the challenges and difficulties I’ve been through the last 6 years of my life. Therefore, she also knows what kind of person I am and how to ‘deal with me’.

She even hugged me after telling me that I’m one of the strongest women she’s ever met and that she’s even amazed that I’m still standing.

I’ve really have to work on this and sort things out because I do NOT want drugs to help me through this!

So newsflash to myself: I’m human and apparently it’s perfectly fine that I feel like this but I’m going to get rid of this stupid depression and become stronger by it! I know that I’m pushing myself a lot since I’m a single mother of a handicapped child who needs my fully support 24/7. I’m aware that a lot of other families get support, and they have a relief family but I’m just not there yet! I can’t let a complete stranger take care of my child – I’m so scared that something would happen, so I think it would make my life even worse if he had to leave and all I would be able to do was to think about if he’s okay and so on. I’ve heard from some when they suffer from stress and depression that they can’t be there for their children as much as they’d love to but my mind is more stable when I have my son near, I just feel better but when he’s not near, that’s when my world is breaking down. But as my doctor told me, when he’s not home, that’s when I have time to really think about all the things I haven’t had time or allowed myself to think about.

Truth is, my son has been my entire world for so long. Everything I did, I did for him: I’ve spend countless of hours, searching the internet, to see if I could somehow find an answer to his unknown illness. I’ve been through a shitty child custody case that took 3 years. I have an ex who’s still very much an idiot and doesn’t understand the importance of our child, doctors who keeps messing up etc. Anyways, I’ve realized that I do need to breathe for myself as well so let’s see if I succeed. Something inside me feels guilty if I start following my own visions and dreams, but I’ve published my own book and working on the sequel, that’s a dream of mine! So far so good.

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure how I could end here again, I mean, I’ve always been pretty good at talking about the fears I have when it comes to my son and his unknown illness but one thing is talking about them, another thing is to deal and really try to cope with everything that’s going on.

I gave birth to a normal and healthy boy but within two years, he wasn’t the same – he was very sick so somehow I had to say goodbye to my little boy and welcome another – not sure how to explain it but it’s the truth. It doesn’t mean that I love my ‘new’ boy any less, because my goodness, how I love him! But maybe I should’ve dealt with the loss of a child back then.

But one thing I do know I really need to deal and work with is…. FEAR! My Bestie said it yesterday: But honey, seriously you’re afraid of so many things, but when it all comes down to it, it’s the fear of losing control! I’m just going to put it out there and you might laugh but it’s really not funny at all but I’m afraid of flying (I’ve so many places I’d love to visit but the fright of flying is ruining it for me.) – taking the train (seriously, yes I’m afraid of that too) – even the public buses or just driving on the freeway scares me way more than it should. And I could go on but I think you get the picture.

The fear of putting my control in someone’s else’s hands scares me and I’m not sure how to deal with this – maybe I just have to do it and face it for real. Maybe it’s because I’ve been let down so many times that I don’t trust that easily? Could it be that I’m just so overly afraid to die from my son? Who’s going to take care of him then?

I guess I’m going to try really hard on just facing fear, let it sink in that I’m not living my life to the fullest if I let something that’s all in my head control my life. I want to live, I want to be able to look back on my life, knowing that I didn’t let fear control my life. 

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Anyways, if I seem like I don’t care or I don’t ask about you and how you feel, just know that it’s not because I don’t care, I just don’t have that extra energy right now. I hope you’ll understand.

XOXO Maja

About majasf

Single mom
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