I feel nothing but….

Truth is; I’ve been upset many times in my life but nothing has ever come close to how I’ve been feeling the last couple of days (well, actually it’s been like this for years when it comes to a certain ‘man’) but now it’s reached the point, where I get physically sick from feeling this mad, disappointed, sad and furious.

How come the ‘man’ who helped me create the most precious gift in this world, is the same ‘man’ who’s making my life a living nightmare sometimes!

Yes, he criticize me all he can and apparently he loves it… it’s taken me a long time to ignore it but when it comes to my son; no one should criticize him – especially not his illness and by his own dad?!

I’ve come to realize that it’s because this ‘man’ is simply not a man!

It’s not like my son sees his ‘dad’ that often (every other Sunday some hours and that’s it) and yet, his ‘dad’ seems to know everything… Let me just tell you something (dear ex):

Are you the one not getting sleep because our son has seizures at night? Seizures, I can’t do anything about before the doctors figure our why he’s having them.

Are you the one who’s been taking him to several different hospitals?

Are you the one who takes our son to school every day and pick him up?

Are you the one who’s been home training him for over a year?

Are you the one who tries to contact every doctor you possibly can?

Are you the one who’s searched the internet day and night for years to figure out what’s wrong with our son?

Are you the one who’s entire life has gone on pause just to be there for our son?

Are you the one changing his diapers every day?

Are you the one who’s giving him a shower so he’s nice and clean?

Are you the one who’s feeding him and giving him something to drink every day?

Are you the one who’s holding him in your arms, when he can’t find rest and all he can do, is to scream because he has no language?

Are you the one who’s tucking him to bed every night; giving him a kiss on his forehead, letting him know how amazing he is?

Are you the one who knows him the best?

NO!

But you know what; it’s cool, it’s alright because that also means that you’re NOT the one who ever receives the most beautiful smile every day.

You’re the one who’s NOT hearing the warm laughter.

You’r the one who’s NOT looking deeply into our son’s gorgeous blue eyes just to see how he feels.

You’re not the one meeting sweet neighbors, who’s telling our son how strong he is.

You are the one, missing out!

But don’t you ever be the one to tell me that our son should be on a residential institution! I can take care of our son, as I’ve done many years! I won’t give up, not even when you tell me that he’s never going to be well again… if not, so what? I love him with all that I am! But it’s my job to make sure that my boy knows how good he is, it’s my job to believe in him! It should have been your job as well, but you know what? Luckily I’m blessed with a family who doesn’t create distance when someone is sick!

I loved our son when he was just perfect like any other child, I still loved him when he became sick! I will ALWAYS love him just as he is! Why? Because he is MY son!

I don’t care that you don’t want to see your son anymore – in some way, that’s for the best because you have absolutely nothing to offer him anyways! But, it does hurt my mommyheart that you can just say goodbye to your firstborn – that you’re not even willing to fight for him, to fight with him! I hope you cry every day! I hope you know that you’ve made a big mistake… I feel nothing but sorry for you!

Sorry, I just had to vent!

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About majasf

Single mom
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