The needed but NOT wanted test

If you’ve been reading just some of my blog posts, you’d know that I really want a diagnosis for my boy. I don’t want the diagnosis so I can lay back and say; “finally, now I know what’s wrong so now I don’t need to do more…” – NO, I want and need a diagnosis so I can help my son, I can search for the right help. So far, I’ve been fumbling around in the dark only meeting blind ends.

The doctors have tried all kinds of tests without any result and some time ago, they talked about a full DNA test but they paused it but now it’s back on and I’m meeting with the genetics in June, to hear about the test, what information I want back etc. You see, a full DNA test of my boy requires a blood sample from me and the father of my boy as well. The genetics will then look into anything and everything! I hate it and I fear what will come back.

I have no desire to know everything about my DNA, or that there’s a possibility that I can suffer from a dangerous illness later in life. Some would think it’s great to know and some would like to know what kinds of diseases they can prepare themselves for, or what diseases are in your DNA so you might be able to prevent it. Sure, who wouldn’t want to prevent themselves from a fatal disease? We all want that BUT my fear of diseases are high enough as it is. I don’t want to hide it but going through many years of trying to find out what’s wrong with my boy, has somehow turned me into a panic attacked woman who suffers all kinds of diseases. I’ve been seeing my doctor almost more than my family at some point because I was so scared. Luckily, I haven’t been visiting my doctor for some time now, but do I think about going? Yes, many times during a week. My fear of not being here for my boy, overtakes me at times. But this is not about me but that stupid DNA test.

Okay, it’s not stupid because it might reveal the answer I’ve been looking for, for many years.

But it’s not just the possibility of getting answers on fatal diseases that scares me…. What if I’m the reason why my boy is sick? What if my genes are all wrong? It breaks my heart just thinking about it… what if, I can never have more children? It’s not because I’m thinking about adding to the family right now… I’m very much single and have enough on my plate but what if, I meet the man of my dreams and he wants a baby and I then have to tell him that I shouldn’t? Shite, it makes me very sad just thinking about it….

No matter how scared I am, no matter how much I don’t want this test, I’m going to do it… for my boy!

About majasf

Single mom
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