So, I was watching the movie ‘Motherhood’ starring Uma Thurman (I just put it on pause to write this blog post) because Uma is playing a mom in this movie and she wants to enter a competition, where she has to write about Motherhood… it made me think: What’s Motherhood to me?
Well, before I had my child, I thought about being a mom, what kind of mom would I be, what would I make sure to teach my child… but most importantly; how would my child be? Would she/he be healthy and well? Then I was told that I was expecting a boy… ‘as long as he’s healthy, I’ll be a happy mom’ I told myself and he sure was healthy. A big baby boy (4740 grams and 57 cm’s long) and he was healthy; two hands with five fingers on each, two feet with five toes on each, two eyes, a cute little nose and a beautiful little mouth.
I stared at him all day and night, never left his side and he grew… He started looking at me with his blue eyes, smiled and laughed.
Every thing was going as it should, according to the big book about babies and children…. right until the day where things weren’t going so great; the daddy and I were not together anymore, I had to move into a new apartment with my son, we didn’t have a lot of money or furniture for that matter. But our new life was still full of love, joy and smiles… right until the day where my son stopped developing. Motherhood changed and days became filled with worries, frustrations, hospital visits etc…
But this blog post is NOT about my son’s unknown illness but about Motherhood, the finest job on this planet if you ask me!
YES, it’s tough.
YES, you don’t sleep as much a you should or want to.
YES, you don’t put yourself first at any point.
YES, it’s expensive.
YES, you can’t go out whenever you want to.
YES, there are days where you can’t shower.
YES, you’ll look like a freaking zombie sometimes.
YES, there’s a risk that you’ll even become a SINGLE mom, like me! But fear not! The price for being a mom (single or not) is priceless, it’s the greatest gift you’ll ever get, no matter how tough it feels at times!
Being a single mom to a boy who’s suffering from an unknown illness, Motherhood might be a little different for me than for you.
Being a single mother means that I’m not missing out on anything!
I’m always here for my son. I’ll watch his every move, every smile, every laughter, and even every tantrum, tears and frustrations.
I can still stare at him while he’s sleeping in my bed.
Every day, I get to shower my boy, dress him, feed him, make sure that he’s happy, but most importantly; I get to fight for and along with him each and every day! I get to show every doctor that he’s still standing, and he’s even smiling more than ever! Sure, his unknown illness makes me cry, makes me shout, makes me feel so utterly helpless but when it all comes down to it; I’m only reacting this way because I’m loving someone unconditionally… I’m blessed with the greatest love of them all… my son.
Motherhood is all about the unknown path! A path that will make you go through every emotion that’s possible for us, humans.
In the end, it’s all worth it!
Motherhood to me is the ability to keep developing myself, keep learning new things, searching the internet to see if I can find the right help for my boy, learning to cook new diets etc, keep finding my inner lion and keep fighting for my son and what he needs, crying loads of tears; both happy and sad ones. Motherhood is all about loving my son, I loved him endlessly when he was well and now he’s sick, I love him even more… why? Because in spite of all the troubles we’ve been through, the fights we’ve battled (some lost, some won), all the days, hours and minutes at different hospitals, all the tears I’ve cried because of the worries, forgetting my own dreams and desires just to be the best mom to Tobias, that I possibly can be…. In spite of all that, I know and keep telling myself how blessed I am! I’m the mother of a very unique boy who keeps surprising, who keeps smiling even though he’s not like other children, the boy whose eyes guides me, shows me the path we need to walk…
So yes, some days my eyes are swollen, my nose is red, my hair’s a mess and my shirt has stains on it but Motherhood is something I wouldn’t be without.
Thanks to my son, I’m experiencing Motherhood on my own.